The Courage to Be Disliked - Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga
This book forced me to look in the mirror and confront a lot of my fears. As someone who has battled with poor self-confidence and has a tendency to hold on to past experiences, this book was a wake-up call and reminder that I have the power to change my life and achieve true happiness.
High-Level Overview
The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga presents the philosophy of Alfred Adler in a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. The book explores how to achieve happiness and self-fulfillment by embracing the courage to be disliked, letting go of past traumas, and taking responsibility for your own life. It emphasises living in the present and creating a meaningful life through self-acceptance and positive interpersonal relationships.
The Book Summarised in a Sentence
The Courage to Be Disliked teaches that true happiness and freedom come from accepting yourself, living authentically, and having the courage to be disliked by others.
3 Top Quotes from the Book
“You are the only one who can change yourself.”
“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.”
“The past does not determine your future.”
5 Ways I (Try To) Apply the Learnings in My Life
Accepting Myself: I try and embrace who I am, including my flaws, and focus on self-acceptance rather than seeking validation from others.
Living in the Present: I practice mindfulness daily (big and small) and try to concentrate on living in the moment, letting go of past regrets and future anxieties.
Taking Responsibility: I take greater ownership of my actions and decisions, understanding that I have the power to shape my own life.
Building Meaningful Relationships: I focus on creating genuine connections with others based on mutual respect and understanding rather than seeking approval from the masses.
Pursuing Personal Goals: I set and work towards goals that align with my values and passions, rather than trying to meet societal expectations or what “should” be done.
Major Themes
1. The Courage to Be Disliked
This theme revolves around the idea that seeking approval from others can hinder personal growth and happiness. True freedom comes from living authentically and being willing to face disapproval.
Imagine feeling pressured to conform to friends' expectations even if it doesn't make you happy. By embracing the courage to be disliked, you choose to follow your own path and passions, even if it means some people may not understand or approve.
Quote: “The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.”
2. Living in the Present
The book emphasises the importance of focusing on the present moment rather than being weighed down by past events or future worries. Happiness is found in the here and now.
If you're constantly stressed about past mistakes or anxious about future uncertainties, shifting your focus to the present can bring peace and clarity. Practicing mindfulness, whether that involves journalling or breath work, being present helps you enjoy life more fully.
Quote: “No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.”
3. Taking Responsibility for Your Life
Adlerian psychology suggests that individuals have the power to choose their responses and take control of their lives, rather than blaming external circumstances or past experiences.
Instead of feeling like a victim of your circumstances, you realise that you have the agency to change your situation. For example, taking proactive steps in your career or personal life to achieve your goals and not succumbing to the external circumstances.
Quote: “You are the only one who can change yourself.”
4. Interpersonal Relationships
The book highlights the importance of community and social connections, proposing that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and contribution, not seeking validation.
Think about the quality of your friendships and relationships and the people you surround yourself with. Building connections based on genuine respect and mutual support leads to more fulfilling and meaningful interactions. This book was a reminder that I am the average of the 5 people I spend the most time with, so I need to be intentional and selfish with my company.
Quote: “To be human is to feel inferior. It is only a matter of how we use that inferiority.”
5. The Power of Goals
Setting personal goals aligned with your values and passions is crucial for a meaningful life. Goals should be pursued for your own growth and fulfillment, not to meet others' expectations.
Instead of setting goals based on societal pressures, such as choosing a career for its prestige or purchasing a home for external validation, you pursue what truly interests and excites you, leading to a more satisfying and authentic life. This involves self-reflection and spending time understanding your personal drivers.
Quote: “If you are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, you are now living an entirely new life.”
Who Should Read It
I recommend this book to everyone. Any generation, any stage of life, this book is eye-opening and will change your perspective on achieving happiness.
More specifically, this book is particularly valuable to:
Individuals Seeking Personal Growth: Those looking to understand themselves better and achieve greater self-acceptance.
Anyone Struggling with Approval-Seeking: People who find themselves constantly seeking validation from others.
Those Facing Life Transitions: Individuals navigating significant changes who need to take control of their lives.
Wrapping It Up
The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga offers profound insights into living a happier, more fulfilling life. By embracing self-acceptance, living in the present, taking responsibility, and building genuine relationships, you can break free from the need for external approval and create a life that truly reflects your values and passions.
This book is a powerful reminder that true happiness comes from within and that you have the courage to live authentically. Dive into this transformative read and start your journey towards a more courageous and fulfilling life today.
Until next time,
G.